(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1
order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it.  I
tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling
the 800 number.

(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by the
end of 2014. But I can help you.

(Customer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.

(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1’s do not meet our minimum standards, I will be
happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite , or Callaway Blue.

(Customer) But I have played Pro V1 for years.

(Receptionist) The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer
acceptable, so we have instructed Titleist to stop making them.  TopFlites
are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.

(Customer) But I like the Pro V1.  Why are TopFlites better?

(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page “Affordable Golf
Ball Act” passed by Congress.

(Customer) Well, how much are these TopFlites ?

(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or
Platinum package?

(Customer) What’s the difference?

(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.

(Customer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?

(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?

(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?

(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy;
then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be.  But if your
income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that
case, I can refer you to our BallAid department.

(Customer) BallAid ?

(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf
balls.  So, if you can’t afford them, then the government will supply them
free of charge.

(Customer) Who said they were a right?

(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme
Court found it Constitutional.

(Customer) Whoa…..I don’t remember seeing anything in the Constitution
regarding golf balls as a right.

(Receptionist) There’s no explicit mention of golf balls in the
Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he
believes it would have been included if the Constitution had not been
drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men.  The Democrats in the Congress
and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a
right guaranteed by the Constitution.

(Customer) I don’t believe this…

(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people
would go for the Silver Package, so what is your monthly income sir?

(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.

(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.

(Customer) Why?

(Receptionist) To determine what your ‘non-participation’ cost would be.

(Customer) WHAT? You can’t charge me for NOT buying golf balls.

(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court.
It’s $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income…..

(Customer)(interrupting) This is ridiculous, I’ll pay the $49.50.

(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever
is greater.

(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!

(Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.

(Customer) Look, I’m going to call my Congressman to find out what’s going
on here. This is ridiculous. I’m not going to pay it.

(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that’s why I had the NSA track this
call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.

(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?

(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir

(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)