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A Few Golf Quotes To Lighten The Mood

A Few Golf Quotes To Lighten The Mood

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Back from the golf trip, had a great time. A bit chilly but still good.

1. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ PGA Hall of Famer Sam Snead

2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool.
~ Baseball Hall of Famer George Brett

3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
~ Sports Writer Jim Murray

4. The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Baseball Hall of Famer Mickey Mantle

5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.
~  Actor Kevin Costner

6. I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par.
~  PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez

7. After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez

8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~  Tom Weiskopf

9. Swing hard in case you hit it.
~  Football QB Dan Marino

10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson

11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny

12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan

13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best.
~ Jack Nicklaus

14. The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law.
~ H. G. Wells

15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham

16. If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
~ Bob Hope

17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake in a sand trap.
~ Henny Youngman

18. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon

19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino

20. I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino

Most Democratic Politicians Were Lawyers

Most Democratic Politicians Were Lawyers

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So this should not surprise you.
Actual courtroom questions:


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________


ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.